Mother’s Day…And The Predicament I Find Myself In as a Mom of Loss

photo(11)It happens every year…

The Saturday before Mother’s Day as evening approaches, I feel a weight on my chest, and I have to catch my breath. The reality that one of my children is not here feels like it slaps me in the face. The empty space in my heart is unveiled.

It happened again today. My week has been busy and enjoyable. Yet as I cooked dinner for my family, I felt the emotional waves. Soon hot tears were threatening to spill over my eyelids. All while the overwhelming thought in my head is…”I can wait for tomorrow to be over.” Then I felt bad because I love my mom and want to celebrate her, and I love my children and want to enjoy the day as their mom.

It’s hard to believe this is my third Mother’s Day as a bereaved mom.

2 years ago my heart was breaking as I was less than three months into my journey of grieving my daughter’s death.

1 year ago I was aching for my daughter, yet brimming with joy for the new life growing in my womb.

Today, I am overjoyed to have my firstborn, along with my sweet 8 month old Elijah. This has been one miraculous year in our family, and I am thankful everyday. My son has restored a joy to my life that I never thought I would experience again.

Yet here I sit. Having the now familiar pre-Mother’s Day meltdown.

Why?

Because I’m a mom of loss. Nothing involving babies, children, or mommyhood is simple anymore. It is all complicated by an odd mix of horrific grief, and unspeakable joy. I’m learning that it is all part of the journey. I hurt because she is not here. Yet I rejoice because I have a miracle baby in my arms. There is pain, yet there is beauty. And there is even beauty that came out of the pain. Confusing, I know. But this is real life for loss moms.

As tomorrow approaches, I will ride out the emotional waves. I know there will be laughter, snuggles, and smiles, as well as some tears and sorrow. But through it all, I am just overwhelmingly thankful…Thankful for the privilege of being a mom, and thankful for my 3 beautiful children: Kyla Grace, Esther Kate, and Elijah Amos. I am so very blessed!

To all the other Moms I know…Happy Mother’s Day! What a gift we have been given!

And to my friends who are also bereaved moms…My heart goes out to you. I pray you can enjoy this special day – roller coaster of emotions and all. :-)

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Happy Birthday Esther Kate

Esther's birthdayHappy birthday Esther Kate!

I hurt for you and miss you today. But I also celebrate your life. I treasure the few hours I got to spend with you in my arms two years ago today. You were so beautiful and perfect. You will always be my girl.

Today I wonder again what heaven is like. I can only imagine now, but one day I will see it with you. You can show me around! One thing is for sure: you have everything you need. You are not hurting today, and for that, I am so thankful.

 

I love you forever.

Love,
Mommy

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Dear Esther, It’s Been Two Years Since That Day…

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Esther’s Week – 2 Years, 1 Year, Today

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This is an important, painful, and special week of memories in our home. I wanted to share some of our joy and struggle as we navigate the two year anniversary of Esther’s passing from this life into her eternal home… Two years ago this week, I was about to be blind-sided by the tragedy of [...]

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February

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February. Need I say more? Probably. But in my mind, that one word says it all. Even after two years the word February invokes strong emotions in the private world of my own heart. I have been mostly absent from the world of blogging lately, as I soak up the snuggles, giggles, and delights of [...]

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Merry Christmas Esther!

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Dear Esther, It’s hard to believe today is your second Christmas in heaven. It seems like you were just here. I guess that is because you are always in my mind and on my heart. A lot has changed this year. We have grown and learned how to live more like Jesus. We have healed [...]

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Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

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October 15 is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Today I am remembering my sweet girl, Esther, who touched my life so deeply. Though we had her for such a short time, our love for her continues. I will ever be thankful for the tiny life that changed our family forever… Dear Esther, We love [...]

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Elijah’s Kidneys – A GOOD Report!

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Last Wednesday, we took Elijah to the St. Louis Children’s hospital for follow up on the kidney problem detected in pregnancy. Ever since we were referred to a specialist at 26 weeks, it has been suggested that only the left kidney is healthy and functioning, with the right kidney missing from where it should be. [...]

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The Arrival of our Miracle: Elijah Amos!

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Our miracle baby Elijah Amos has arrived! Words simply cannot express our joy, thankfulness, and awe. I wanted to share just a snippet about his arrival before I go back into my little cocoon of just gazing at my baby’s face. I can’t believe it’s already been 2 weeks… Monday, August 25, 2014 is a [...]

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My Experience With Pregnancy After Loss – A Reflection on the Last 8 months

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Lately it has been much harder than normal to sit down and organize my thoughts into a blog post. I can hardly believe we are in the final stretch of this pregnancy. The last 8 months have seemed like a blur in many ways. I have had so many things running through my heart, and [...]

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