A Birthday, An Empty Place, and a Miracle


The third week in July is always a tough reminder of what our family should look like.

With Kyla turning 4, we should have another little girl turning 2. The hole left by our loss in more tangible this week. As I approach the 2 year anniversary of Esther’s July 28 due date, I can feel it. I have some more grief work to do.

Grieving a baby is a unique kind of grief. Instead of grieving your past, you are grieving your future.

Until I came face to face with a deep heart wrenching loss, I didn’t understand that grief involves work.

What do I mean by this?

I mean letting myself feel.

I mean un-stuffing all the emotions I have started tucking away because they are still hard to think about.

I mean talking about her.

I mean reliving her brief life, and even thinking through the most painful days of her death.

I mean allowing myself once again to choose thankfulness – to purposefully be more thankful for her life than I am devastated by her death.

And I mean to once again trust my fragile heart to the all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful Creator of the world, and letting Him bring me the next layer of healing that I need.

I am learning just how vital this grief work is for my own health and the health of my family. When I don’t take time to process and feel I find that I get angry easier, and sometimes even just pick up a looming sadness.

I have found that taking the time periodically to work through some more grief helps in many ways. First if all, it increases my own peace level. It also helps me connect better with my husband and children. It allows me to give the attention that I need to toward remembering my missing child, without letting the stress and pain of our loss damage my other family relationships. I also believe taking this time strengthens my connection to my little girl in heaven. And perhaps two of the most beautiful things I have found from these times are: another chance to reflect on my life and evaluate how I’m spending my time and energy, and new opportunities for fruitful things to come from Esther’s brief life.

SO in between planning a birthday party, and chasing around my 11 month old little MIRACLE, I am taking some moments to remember…to feel…and to prepare a special basket to give another family experiencing loss. I’m also dreaming about some new avenues that would allow Esther’s life to touch more people with the HOPE of Jesus Christ.

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Mother’s Day…And The Predicament I Find Myself In as a Mom of Loss

photo(11)It happens every year…

The Saturday before Mother’s Day as evening approaches, I feel a weight on my chest, and I have to catch my breath. The reality that one of my children is not here feels like it slaps me in the face. The empty space in my heart is unveiled.

It happened again today. My week has been busy and enjoyable. Yet as I cooked dinner for my family, I felt the emotional waves. Soon hot tears were threatening to spill over my eyelids. All while the overwhelming thought in my head is…”I can wait for tomorrow to be over.” Then I felt bad because I love my mom and want to celebrate her, and I love my children and want to enjoy the day as their mom.

It’s hard to believe this is my third Mother’s Day as a bereaved mom.

2 years ago my heart was breaking as I was less than three months into my journey of grieving my daughter’s death.

1 year ago I was aching for my daughter, yet brimming with joy for the new life growing in my womb.

Today, I am overjoyed to have my firstborn, along with my sweet 8 month old Elijah. This has been one miraculous year in our family, and I am thankful everyday. My son has restored a joy to my life that I never thought I would experience again.

Yet here I sit. Having the now familiar pre-Mother’s Day meltdown.


Because I’m a mom of loss. Nothing involving babies, children, or mommyhood is simple anymore. It is all complicated by an odd mix of horrific grief, and unspeakable joy. I’m learning that it is all part of the journey. I hurt because she is not here. Yet I rejoice because I have a miracle baby in my arms. There is pain, yet there is beauty. And there is even beauty that came out of the pain. Confusing, I know. But this is real life for loss moms.

As tomorrow approaches, I will ride out the emotional waves. I know there will be laughter, snuggles, and smiles, as well as some tears and sorrow. But through it all, I am just overwhelmingly thankful…Thankful for the privilege of being a mom, and thankful for my 3 beautiful children: Kyla Grace, Esther Kate, and Elijah Amos. I am so very blessed!

To all the other Moms I know…Happy Mother’s Day! What a gift we have been given!

And to my friends who are also bereaved moms…My heart goes out to you. I pray you can enjoy this special day – roller coaster of emotions and all. :-)

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Happy Birthday Esther Kate

Happy birthday Esther Kate! I hurt for you and miss you today. But I also celebrate your life. I treasure the few hours I got to spend with you in my arms two years ago today. You were so beautiful and perfect. You will always be my girl. Today I wonder again what heaven is [...]

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Dear Esther, It’s Been Two Years Since That Day…

Dear Esther, It’s been two years since Daddy and I walked into that fateful doctor’s appointment. It’s been two years since we chatted innocently in the waiting room, trying to decide what we would name you. Two years since we had dreams of the life we would have with you. Two years since our hopes [...]

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Esther’s Week – 2 Years, 1 Year, Today


This is an important, painful, and special week of memories in our home. I wanted to share some of our joy and struggle as we navigate the two year anniversary of Esther’s passing from this life into her eternal home… Two years ago this week, I was about to be blind-sided by the tragedy of [...]

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February. Need I say more? Probably. But in my mind, that one word says it all. Even after two years the word February invokes strong emotions in the private world of my own heart. I have been mostly absent from the world of blogging lately, as I soak up the snuggles, giggles, and delights of [...]

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Merry Christmas Esther!


Dear Esther, It’s hard to believe today is your second Christmas in heaven. It seems like you were just here. I guess that is because you are always in my mind and on my heart. A lot has changed this year. We have grown and learned how to live more like Jesus. We have healed [...]

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Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

jesus holding baby

October 15 is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Today I am remembering my sweet girl, Esther, who touched my life so deeply. Though we had her for such a short time, our love for her continues. I will ever be thankful for the tiny life that changed our family forever… Dear Esther, We love [...]

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Elijah’s Kidneys – A GOOD Report!


Last Wednesday, we took Elijah to the St. Louis Children’s hospital for follow up on the kidney problem detected in pregnancy. Ever since we were referred to a specialist at 26 weeks, it has been suggested that only the left kidney is healthy and functioning, with the right kidney missing from where it should be. [...]

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The Arrival of our Miracle: Elijah Amos!


Our miracle baby Elijah Amos has arrived! Words simply cannot express our joy, thankfulness, and awe. I wanted to share just a snippet about his arrival before I go back into my little cocoon of just gazing at my baby’s face. I can’t believe it’s already been 2 weeks… Monday, August 25, 2014 is a [...]

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