Merry Christmas Esther!

photo(5)Dear Esther,

It’s hard to believe today is your second Christmas in heaven. It seems like you were just here. I guess that is because you are always in my mind and on my heart.

A lot has changed this year. We have grown and learned how to live more like Jesus. We have healed and gotten more accustomed to carrying you in our hearts alone. And most excitedly, we have added someone special to our family: your little brother.

Yes, this year has been a big one for our family. We experienced the absolute miracle of birth and life again. Sweet girl, this year something was reborn in your mommy that was lost when you died. You have not been replaced or forgotten. Rather, your place in our family has been solidified in a new way. Youngest daughter, middle baby, and big-sister are all your titles now. And yet your new little brother, Elijah, has brought a little piece of heaven to me. This year for Christmas, we hold a miracle in our arms. The journey was rough. The doctors told us he might be sick. Yet here we are, snuggling our perfect boy in our arms on this special day. What a wonderful God we serve.

Something else has happened this year as well. Your big sis, Kyla, understands YOU in a deeper way. She talks about you almost every day. She says she misses you and she is sad you are not here. She asks if we can take “Lamby” and flowers to your grave. And she even blows you kisses at night before she goes to sleep. Any time she sees a tear on mommy’s cheek, she asks, “Are you sad about Esther mom?” What a sweet sister you have. She is trying to wrap her 3 year old mind around concepts difficult for the aged. Here is what I do know: she loves you and she looks forward to seeing you in heaven.

As we unwrap gifts today, I wish there were some with your name on them. I imagine you, at 17 months, ripping up every present in sight, taking all the ornaments off the tree, and posing for a picture with your two siblings. How beautiful you would have looked in a red Christmas dress! But we will celebrate Christmas in two different places once again.

I am so happy and overjoyed this day because God has so richly blessed our family! Yet I also cry because I miss you. I just miss you. I wish you were here…I always will.

On the way to Grammy and Grampy’s house, we will visit your grave. Kyla will leave a kiss, Lamby will sit for the day, and we will honor your precious life. We will remember the miracle and redemption of Jesus’ birth that has made the way for us to be reunited one day. Later, I will shed a few quiet tears for the gifts that aren’t under the tree. Yet I will rejoice that death and pain are only temporary.

Halelujah! Our Savior is born! “And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.” He truly has brought us a new peace this year. How amazing it must be to be with Him right now!

Precious daughter, I love you more than ever before.

Merry Christmas!

Mommy

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

jesus holding babyOctober 15 is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.

Today I am remembering my sweet girl, Esther, who touched my life so deeply. Though we had her for such a short time, our love for her continues. I will ever be thankful for the tiny life that changed our family forever…

Dear Esther,

We love you sweet girl. Your sister, brother, daddy, and I miss you. We miss your presence in our family. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you. We wish you were here. We wonder what your smile would look like, what your giggle would sound like, and what your hugs would feel like.  It’s hard to believe that you would already be walking, talking, and showing your personality. It still breaks my heart that I will never get to hold your little hand for walks, orESTHER-150x150 see you reaching up to be held, or kiss your owwies away, or watch you playing hand with your big sister and little brother. But one day I will embrace your little hands and never have to say goodbye again. You are precious, little girl, and you hold a place in mommy’s heart that will always be yours.

Hold tight to Jesus little one, and until we meet again, know that we love you and we remember you…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Today, I am also remembering all the dear friends of mine who have also lost a precious child. So many babies with Jesus…Luke, Lucy, Pax, Jude, Cameron, Sophia, Aaron, Matthias, Benjamin, Zechariah, Mary, Rachelle and many others. As I remember each of their names, I realize that heaven is a rich place. For the mommies and families here there is pain, but for the babes in heaven there is great rejoicing!

Perhaps you know someone who has had to say goodbye too soon. Reach out to them today and let them know you remember…Just a call, text, or email can remind someone that their baby is not forgotten. Thank you to each of my friends who have already contacted me today. You can also join with us by lighting a candle at 7:00pm in memory of these little ones.

Matthew 19:14 “…Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

You are invited to comment with the name of a precious life you are remembering today…

signature 1

 

*photo courtesy of shawfortwins.blogspot.com

 

 

 

Elijah’s Kidneys – A GOOD Report!

photo(73)

Last Wednesday, we took Elijah to the St. Louis Children’s hospital for follow up on the kidney problem detected in pregnancy. Ever since we were referred to a specialist at 26 weeks, it has been suggested that only the left kidney is healthy and functioning, with the right kidney missing from where it should be. [...]

[Continue reading...]

The Arrival of our Miracle: Elijah Amos!

photo(69)

Our miracle baby Elijah Amos has arrived! Words simply cannot express our joy, thankfulness, and awe. I wanted to share just a snippet about his arrival before I go back into my little cocoon of just gazing at my baby’s face. I can’t believe it’s already been 2 weeks… Monday, August 25, 2014 is a [...]

[Continue reading...]

My Experience With Pregnancy After Loss – A Reflection on the Last 8 months

photo(63)

Lately it has been much harder than normal to sit down and organize my thoughts into a blog post. I can hardly believe we are in the final stretch of this pregnancy. The last 8 months have seemed like a blur in many ways. I have had so many things running through my heart, and [...]

[Continue reading...]

2 Due Dates – 1 Birthday

Waller Family Heart

The last days of July hold special significance in our home. This is when we remember two baby due dates, but only celebrate one birthday. What a bittersweet time. Kyla’s due date was July 30 and she was born on July 21, 2011. Esther’s due date was July 28, but she went to heaven on [...]

[Continue reading...]

31 Weeks! An update on “London Baby”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

We are getting so close to finally meeting our little baby #3! We just passed the 31 week mark and we are counting down the days until we bring this baby home in our arms! Yesterday we had an eventful day of follow up appointments at our specialist’s office. After our car broke down 2 [...]

[Continue reading...]

An Update and a Prayer Request for Baby

photo(54)

Wow, it’s been a long time since I have posted! The last month has been interesting, busy, and challenging. The reality of a new baby coming soon has finally set in. I have been relishing the punches, kicks, and rolls of this little one. I have also been praying, standing, believing, and persevering through some [...]

[Continue reading...]

22 Weeks! A Pregnancy Update

photo(36)

I know I am overdue for a pregnancy update! I have sat down to write one so many times, and for some reason, the words have just not come out right. The odd mix of excitement, anxiety, joy, grief, and anticipation that have characterized this pregnancy sometimes do not help me produce the best blog [...]

[Continue reading...]

Easter as a Family of 5!

Happy Resurrection Sunday! What a glorious day. Jesus is alive and death has been conquered! Holidays the last 14 months have been difficult and Easter is no exception. I remember the emptiness and grief that was overwhelming last year, when I should have had a nice round belly. I remember crying over Esther’s grave wondering [...]

[Continue reading...]