A Hard Week Without Esther

image Last week was a hard week.

Monday I got home from a 5 day speaking trip to Dallas. A trip that had been scheduled and planned for months, and in the planning stage I had considered how big my belly would be this time we made the trek.  The last time I had been to Dallas to speak, I was just as far along in my pregnancy with Kyla as I would have been with Esther. The whole weekend, my heart ached from the emptiness. I wanted Esther to make the trip with me.

Tuesday was spent unpacking and cleaning. I spent time unpacking our clothes as well as my emotions. This was the first trip I had taken since we lost our little girl. It had been a huge challenge to walk through. Besides flying, driving from city to city, and little sleep all with my 20 month old Kyla, I had to face the challenge of being in front of people. Trying to put on a smiling face and welcoming countenance to people who were unknowing of my pain. Trying to give something to others, when I feel so little strength myself. And trying to choke back the tears that so frequently get triggered. Until we got home, I didn’t realize just how many emotions I had walled off while we were gone. As soon as I pulled into my driveway they came flooding out.

Wednesday I went to work for half of the day. Trying to catch up on projects that have fallen by the wayside for the last 8 weeks was difficult. I also just found it harder than usual to handle people’s well-intentioned or unknowing comments.  I guess it was just one of those days.

Thursday was our wonderful little nephews 1st birthday. We love him so much and are so proud of him. I wish it wasn’t hard to be at birthday parties, but it just is right now.

Friday I found out that Esther’s grave stone had been placed. The waves of sadness rolled over me as the reality of seeing my little baby’s name on a granite stone set in.  My baby that should still be growing and thriving in my womb.

Now here we are two-thirds of the way through another week. Sometimes the days crawl by and sometimes they fly by. But either way, I am finding God’s faithfulness for each day, one at a time. Looking ahead to next week, next month, next season, and next year is hard right now. One thing I have learned about God is this: His grace and strength for each day and each task always arrive right on time. I may not be able to see everything ahead and sometimes that irritates me. I want to know, I want to prepare, I want to see the end, and I sometimes I can’t.

But I can TRUST. I can believe what the author of Lamentations says:

This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently For the salvation of the Lord. Chapter 3, vs. 21-24

Even when I don’t understand, I will still believe….

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