Where is My Brain?

starsFirst it was throwing dishes or dirty laundry in the trash, instead of the sink or dirty laundry basket. Then it was putting food away in the microwave instead of the refrigerator. Then it was walking out of a room, only to hear the water running and realize I had left it on. The scary thing was I didn’t even realize what I was doing until after the fact.

I’ve been known to be a little ditzy, but this has been a WHOLE new level. If I didn’t know better, I would think I was losing my mind. I’ve learned that shock, loss, and grief all take a big toll on brain functioning. I guess when so much mental energy is given to processing a horrible tragedy, there is not much left to go around!

Just the other day I found a half a cantaloupe wrapped in foil sitting in my sink and had no recollection of putting it there. countless times I have started saying something to Adam only to forget what I was trying to say altogether. I have forgotten what things are called, and been unable to recall commonly known facts. I have made several ridiculous driving errors and lost track of who Kyla was with. It almost feels like there is a disconnect in my mind right now. Most recently, at the Dream Center food pantry I help with, I found bunches of clients cards that said “1/3 KW” in the April box. Apparently I dated everyone’s cards January 3, instead of April 3 – and signed my name to them! I didn’t even realize it until two weeks later when those clients came back.

I still have to stop and think every time I write a date. I have to walk myself through to remember what month it is. Many times my first reaction is that it’s 2/something. I’m not sure why. Maybe because it was in February that my world stopped. A part of me is still there, even while the world keeps whizzing by.

To top it off, I think I will just have to contact the bank for a new debit card or pin number. Ever since we lost Esther, the number has disappeared from my memory.  After more than one embarrassing outing where I simply could not recall the right four digit number, I think it is just gone.

All in all, I have almost gotten very worried. Something is not up to speed in my brain and I sense it. I can literally feel my mind thinking until it hurts. But instead of getting more concerned, I have decided to give myself some space. My head will be okay again. My heart will be healed one day.

The connection that God made between our heart, mind, body, and soul amazes me. They all work together and are intertwined. Knowing that we are made in HIS image makes me want to know what He thinks and feels. I believe He hurts when we hurt and He knows our every thought. Nothing is hidden from Him and He never forgets! I am relieved to know He is much more on top of it than I am. One of my very favorite passages of scripture is Isaiah 40. I especially like verse 26:

Lift up your eyes on high And see who has created these starts, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, Not one of them is missing.

Wow! If God names and keeps track of all the stars (scientists don’t even know how many there are), I know He will take care of me, even when I can’t remember what I am doing.

I encourage you to take a moment and ponder the greatness of our God. He is truly mighty, and He can really be trusted.


And one more thing…

If I forget your name next time we talk, I’m sorry in advance!



  1. We love you so much… this is a very powerful post…

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