Newborns…Will It Ever Be the Same?

new-born-baby-1aThis weekend, I filled in for a sick family member and went to speak at a conference in Pittsburgh, PA all by myself. Well, almost by myself. I took Kyla and one of my little brothers to help. We left with only a day’s notice. It was a whirlwind 48 hour trip with four flights and two drives. It was a challenge to be sure, but God gave me a strength that even I was surprised with.

Yet hours after we got home, I encountered something that made the strength try to drain right out me.

 I walked into an ice cream shop with my family and saw………a newborn baby. Soft…sweet…and snuggled lovingly on his mother’s lap.

I had to stop and catch my breath. It was such a fresh reminder of what I don’t have – what I won’t have – what I should have. Suddenly, I lost my appetite for ice cream.

On my way home, I felt the waves come afresh. The waves of sorrow. The waves of emptiness. The waves of loss.

I used to look at babies with adoration, dreaming of when I’d get the chance to be a mommy all over again.

Now, I find myself vacillating between two very different reactions. One moment I find myself staring at a newborn, gazing longing and wishing desperately to have mine back. The next moment, I have to look away because it’s simply too painful.

When I see a baby, I sort of marvel to myself. Knowing details of everything that can go wrong, it seems a wonder that any of them make it. I realize this is ridiculous. But from the other side of having a baby – the side of losing a baby – everything looks so different.

I wonder…will I ever see newborns the same way? Will there be a day that looking at a fresh, little infant won’t feel like a blow to my heart?

I’m not sure. But I have to believe that I will experience the joy of a new life again someday.

Right now, it’s too painful. But I am trusting God will take me through this journey and to the other side.

I will keep letting Him heal my heart. I will keep letting Him be my peace. I will keep letting Him be near in my brokenness.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

 

Comments

  1. Wow… Im hurting with you my precious sister… I love you

  2. Adam Waller says:

    Yes He is with us

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