Did She Know?

Heart-From-CloudI often find myself wondering what Esther experienced and knew in the womb. Very quickly, I can end up on a dead end road of absolute torture. It doesn’t take long for the questions to start flooding my mind…

Did she know how much I loved her?

Did she know I wanted her before she was even conceived?

Did she know how special she was to me?

Did she know I would have done anything to keep her safe?

Did she know I would have given my life for her?

Did she know I would spend the rest of my life missing her?

Did she know that she changed my life forever?

Did she know she was one of the greatest gifts I’d ever experienced?

Did she know?

More than once, I have sobbed on Adam’s shoulder, asking if she knew. It hurts so much. On some mornings, I lay on my face crying to my heavenly Father, begging Him to tell her everything I didn’t get to. I want her to know.

Even in my own pain, I am reminded once again, that my Esther knows more than I do. While I can only understand in part, she understands in full. While I am bound by the limits of this earth, she is free in the paradise of her Maker. While I still experience the pain and suffering of this life, she experiences only the joy and fullness of victory. And while I see only through a glass dimly, She sees face to face.

I’ll be honest – sometimes this doesn’t bring me the comfort that I wish it did. I guess because I can’t see clearly yet. But one day, I will see like Esther sees, I will understand completely, and I will experience a joy with my daughter that can never be taken away. I long for that day.

Until then, I will keep trusting my Daddy to tell her everything…especially how much her mommy loves her.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. – 1 Corinthians 13:12



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