The Mystery of Life

ProLife-IamyourcreatorYouwereinmycaThe morning of Tuesday, February 12, I recall reading the chapter called “week 17” in my pregnancy book. I gazed at the image of a tiny baby and marveled at how amazing a preborn baby’s development was. While it was wonderful to see a picture of what my baby looked like in the womb, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that I would obviously never see a baby that tiny in real life…and I was comforted to know my baby was still inside growing and developing…Or so I thought.

I had no idea that just two days later, I would see my own baby just that size.

I have always believed that life is a miracle. But as I held the teeny-tiny miracle of Esther Kate Waller in my hand, this concept became real to me. No longer do I abstractly think it. I saw it. I touched it. And now I know it in a deeper way than ever before.

The growth and development of a baby in the womb is such a mystery. Science can’t explain it. The human mind cannot grasp it. It is the mystery of life. Perhaps it is one of the “secret things” that the Bible talks about in Dueteronomy 29:29  “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever.”

Many times I have abstractly quoted “He knit me together in my mother’s womb.” But now I have seen God’s handiwork and it is truly miraculous. As I held my little Esther, I marveled that just 10 weeks before she had been smaller than a grain of rice. Thought still so small, she was already a perfectly formed baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes, arms and legs, and everything she needed for life. Because my God was weaving her together. Psalm 139: “For you formed my inner parts; You wove me in my Mother’s womb.”

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you.” God knew my baby Esther from conception. He had called her and set her apart for a life of service to Him. And now, even though her life was cut short, She knows Him intimately. She is held firmly by the same hands that were forming her in my womb.

You may be thinking what I have so many times before.

If God was forming her, how did such a tragedy happen? I’ll be very plain with you.

I don’t know.

I guess I could spend my whole life trying to figure it out. Searching, wondering, being tortured with questions. Or I can trust the one who has all the answers. I can run to the One who is greater than life and even death. Though not easy, I will choose the latter. Even if I have to choose it afresh every day.

I will continue to believe that God formed my baby Esther, and her life was and is a gift. I will keep believing that life is truly a miracle, and what happens in the womb is sacred, beautiful, and mysterious.

How about you?

Comments

  1. Amanda Wingerter says:

    Wow, every time I read your posts…I realize we share so many of the same thoughts.
    I too have always been in awe of the miracle of life, but seeing in my hands the point of life that usually only God sees…it put everything in a whole new perspective. Those little fingers & toes, so tiny, so fragile, yet so perfectly formed. It’s incredible beyond words.
    When I think about the why, why did this happen…I’m reminded that:
    “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9).
    I don’t understand, but I’ve come to a place where I’m okay with it. Because I know that God gives me the peace that passes all understanding.

    • kalyn.waller@gmail.com says:

      Amanda,

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry that you have had to walk through a loss too.

  2. My mom found your blog and passed it into me. We lost our sweet baby boy, who was 16weeks gestation as well, just last week. It’s been the hardest few days of my life, from finding out the news, to delivering him to saying goodbye to his little body, to coming back home and trying to figure out how to go on from here. We have a 22-month old and he’s such a blessing to us in this time of grief, but as life goes on and on, it’s hard to figure out HOW to honor and remember but also continue on with living, the life of our little boy. I’m thankful that you’re being so open and real with your experience and thoughts, because it’s giving me a peak into someone’s who literally doing the same thing as I am, just a few steps ahead. It’s showing me that there is good, there is hope, to be had. Sorry this turned into a novel, I just really wanted to say I’m here, tagging along behind you, finding my way in the midst of my grief. And to say thank you, for writing, and letting us read.

    • kalyn.waller@gmail.com says:

      Alyssa,

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that words cannot begin to describe the horrible pain. I’m glad you found my blog and I pray that you will have strength as you walk through this loss. Feel free to email me if you ever want to.

      Kalyn

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