My Adjustment to Not Being Pregnant

roseThree months ago yesterday, I said goodbye to my baby girl. I guess I have mostly adjusted to not being pregnant. Just saying those words brings fresh pain. To be honest, I still spend a lot of time thinking about how far along I should be, how big my belly would be, what foods I should be eating or avoiding, and which maternity clothes I would be fitting in.

I remember the first days and even weeks after losing Esther, I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but still reacted to things as if I was. I had to remind myself constantly of my new reality. After carrying a baby for nine months, every mom has to adjust to the baby being outside instead of inside. After I had Kyla, I would forget momentarily that I wasn’t pregnant, but then of course, realize my baby was right there with me. This time the adjustment was very different. I wasn’t pregnant, but I didn’t have my baby in my arms, she was just gone. It was shocking, unnerving, disorienting, and so difficult make sense of.

When the microwave was on, I dutifully stepped away, only to remember there was no longer a baby inside to protect. When I walked up or down stairs, I immediately took extra care not to trip, only to realize that my reason to be careful was gone. When I sat down to eat, I would start to avoid “risky” foods, and those that caused heartburn, only to remember I was no longer sensitive to foods. I would wake up and realize I hadn’t gone to the bathroom the whole night long, then remember there was no longer a baby pressing on my bladder. Each time I would have those natural mommy reactions to protect Esther in my womb, I would be overwhelmed with the fresh realization that she wasn’t there.

This time around, I have not been adjusting to the wonderful change from being pregnant, to holding my baby in my arms. Instead, I have been struggling to adjust to the devastating change from being pregnant, to visiting my baby’s grave. It has been a jarring, unnatural change, that my body and soul have difficulty processing.

Losing Esther has made me feel so out of control, so helpless to prevent tragedy in my own life. It has made me realize that anything in this world can be gone in an instant.

In my despair, I have questioned, wondered, and searched for something sure.

Many times now, I have felt these words impressed on my heart…

“He (God) hasn’t changed.

Three simple words that redefine everything. The truth of this one statement has upheld me each time I feel my soul trying to give way.

Over and over again, I find myself running back to the only One who cannot change.

My Creator, my Daddy, the One who gave me life, is still the same. “For I, the Lord, do not change… “Malachi 3:6

Even when everything around me is shaking, He is constant. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 

When nothing seems sure, He is a rock. “The Lord has clothed and girded Himself with strength; Indeed, the world is firmly established, it will not be moved.” Psalm 93:1

Through it all, I will hold onto Him. I will let his steadfast nature carry me through this painfully changing life. “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand…” Psalm 31:14

I pray that whatever changes life brings, you too will find comfort in knowing that the one true God of the universe will always be the same.

Comments

  1. Amanda Wingerter says:

    The thing that gets me the most has been the ‘phantom kicks’ — feeling little pokes and kicks even though my baby is no longer inside me. After our loss, I had to google it because I thought I was going crazy. But I found out that lots of other moms who have lost babies have experienced it. Now 4 1/2 months later, I still feel little kicks every once in a while.
    Thank you for the comforting reminder that although the world around us is tumultuous at times, our God never changes and we can always count on Him.

  2. Adam Waller says:

    Our God is faithful!!

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