What I Didn’t Know

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOn that sunny day in February, nothing could have prepared us to hear the words, “There is no heartbeat.”

Our world was completely changed in an instant.

As we attempted to process what was happening, there were some things that I knew right away. I knew that I loved her. I knew that I would give my life for her. I knew I would never be the same. But so many things I didn’t know until later…

I didn’t know how much I would miss the nausea, heartburn, gas, and fatigue. It meant she was there.

I didn’t know that I would treasure every labor contraction I felt during her birth. Even though she was already in heaven, it was my privilege as her mommy to give birth to her. It was the only birth we would ever have together.

I didn’t know that I would wish I had some kind of physical marking from my pregnancy with Esther. Oh if I could just have a stretch mark or vein or scar…something that marked her existence inside me. Something that said I had carried her.

I didn’t know that she would be just as real to me as my other daughter, Kyla. Her location is different: she is in heaven and I am here. Yet I feel just the same about her. She means just as much. She is just as important. She is my girl.

I didn’t know that I would hold onto every moment from that painful week. It is not all one big bad memory. Yes, there are horrible memories of deep pain. Yet that is not all. February 15 is the day my second daughter was born. That is a precious day. It is the day that we got to meet our baby girl. The only day in this life that we held her in our arms. The pain is overwhelming. Yet the joy of being her mommy is even greater.

I didn’t know that it would feel like she had always been here. In reality, her time on earth was brief. Yet the bond I had with Esther was so powerful. I can’t remember a life before she was a part of our family.

One little life that touched our world deeper than I could ever know. We miss her so much. We love her more than words can say. Though she is not here, her memory continues to grow us closer as a family and closer to God. We thank Him everyday for choosing us to be her Mommy, Daddy, and Sister. And we look forward to the day we will all be together again.


  1. It has been so hard as all my pregnancy symptoms have gone away…..doing all the things again that I wasn’t doing while pregnant has been hard….like my husband had started making his and our son’s lunch b/c the smell made me sick. Now it doesn’t bother me and that makes me sad.

    Hugs to you!

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:


      I’m so sorry for your pain…This is such a hard thing to have to walk through. It seems like everything reminds you of the little one that is missing.

      Praying that you find comfort and hope in the journey,

  2. Adam Waller says:

    I love you Kalyn

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