Days Like Today

Country Bridge 2Every day in a journey through grief is different. Some days are just harder than others. The hours slip by, but nothing seems to get accomplished. 

On Days like today, I guess I’m weary from:

-Crying in front of my 22 month old Kyla and seeing her wide eyes stare and wonder what’s wrong with mommy.

-Walking past that bag of unworn maternity clothes (still sitting in the bottom of my closet) knowing I won’t need them.

-Seeing happy pregnant women everywhere I look, when I should be one of them.

-Looking in the mirror at my flat belly that should be 30 weeks big.

-Getting all the new baby adds and magazines in the mail.

-Walking into the garage and seeing the infant carseat, bouncer seat, and newborn gear that remain in storage.

-Opening my medicine cabinet to see all the prenatal vitamins that no longer nourish my preborn baby.

-Packing up Kyla’s outgrown clothes knowing her little sister will never wear them.

-Gazing at Esther’s 12 week ultrasound picture knowing it is the last photograph of her alive that I will ever have.

Why? Why me? Why her? Why us? How? How do we get through? How do we live our whole lives without her? The questions try to swallow me whole all over again.

On days like today I will have to dig deeper into what my spirit knows, but my heart sometimes struggles to find hope in. I will have to keep walking through the pain, believing I will find hope and joy again.

I will run harder to my Daddy. I will cling deeper to His infinite love. I will seek the strength of His presence. I will rest in His steadfast nature. I will trust His unchanging truth. And I will live in the hope that only He gives.

He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. – Isaiah 40:29

If you are walking on the painful road of grief, I pray that you will keep going through one day at a time, believing that joy will come again…

 

Comments

  1. Hugs to you!! I just found your blog through babycenter.com. I lost my second son Ethan at 18w to a cord accident as well. I too went in for a routine OB appt and they found his heart was no longer beating. My first son was 20 months at the time. It will be one year from our loss date this coming June and I can relate to how you are feeling in so many ways. Please know that you are not alone. I am thinking of you and your family!!!

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Leslie,

      Thanks for your kind words. I am so sorry for the loss of your second son, Ethan. Our experiences sound very similar. I have often wondered what the anniversary days will be like each year. I pray that you find hope again, and that you have extra comfort as you approach that day.

      Kalyn

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