The Sweetest Sound in the World

heartsA few weeks after Esther went to heaven, I was walking through my house and suddenly remembered something.. I went on a frantic search through the files on my phone. Within a few minutes, I found what I was looking for. Tears began to flow as I called to Adam to come quickly. I pushed play on my phone and listened to the soft sound I thought I would never have the chance to hear ever again.

Click and listen closely:

My Favorite Sound

…The sound of my baby Esther’s heartbeat. The sweetest sound in the whole world to me. I will never forget the joy of January 8 2013, when I listened live as my belly radiated this new life.

I guess I have always taken beating hearts for granted. You don’t really realize what a miracle every heartbeat is until one stops forever. For weeks after our loss, I would lay my head on Adam’s chest, or feel Kyla’s heart beating against me, and cry out, “hearts are supposed to beat. Why, oh why, did hers stop?”  I would have nightmares about not being able to find heartbeats on Kyla or Esther. I guess I will just never see a heartbeat the same way again.

Now I know that every beat is a gift. Every beat is a miracle. Every beat is precious. I don’t have Esther’s little heart beating inside me anymore and it hurts. Terribly, bitterly, and deeply, it hurts. But I am so incredibly thankful that Adam recorded that beautiful sound at our 11.5 week checkup. Now I can hear my favorite sound again, even if only for a few seconds. I can listen to that tiny, racing heartbeat and know that my girl lived. She was real. She was cradled in my love for her short life. What a gift that I got to carry that little heartbeat for fifteen and a half weeks. It was one of the greatest privileges of my life.

Now, I will never take a beating heart for granted again. While it still cuts deep when I feel the thumping of Adam’s, Kyla’s, or my own heart, knowing that another one should be beating with ours, I am thankful for life like never before. And when my own heart feels like it could stop from grief, I remember the words of the Psalmist:

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!
Psalm 57:7

As long as my heart is beating, I will keep singing praises to the One who created life.

Comments

  1. Such a wonderful sound! I’m glad you have that sweet memory to hold onto and hear.

    Have a good week.
    Bethany

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