What to Say Wednesday: Don’t Say This…

What to say Wednesday 1It’s Wednesday! That means it’s time for a weekly tip on what to SAY or AVOID saying to someone who has experienced the loss of a baby.

Here is today’s tip:

Don’t ever say…

“You can have another baby.”

This baby was wanted. This baby was a special, important part of the family. This baby cannot be replaced with another child, and having another baby will never fill the gaping hole. This baby will be missed forever.

As parents of loss, every time we look at our families now and in the future, we will always see the child that should be there. We will remember how old they would be and where they are in the birth order. We will wonder what kind of personality they would have had, and how they would look. We will picture what our family would look like whole.

While we may want other children someday, the thought of having another baby creates a lot of inner turmoil. It almost feels like it is disloyal to our lost baby, because we don’t want to move on without them in our lives. We want them here. And while having another baby at some time may bring us healing, it will also bring us more grief, as we relive everything we will never have with our child who is gone.

If the topic of babies is brought up around parents of loss, a much better thing to say is simply, “Wow, it must be really hard without your baby here. I’m so sorry.”

For more what to say Wednesday tips, click HERE

Comments

  1. This wasn’t a comment we heard often, but we definitely heard it and it wasn’t something I could ignore. I always wanted to ask, “Really? Do you have a crystal ball?” Because on top of wanting our baby, we had struggled with infertility for 5 years. The fact that we ever got pregnant was miraculous, and there were no indicators it would ever happen again.

    In fact, it took two more years and several consultations with a doctor (who told us IVF was likely our only hope if we wanted to pursue it–we didn’t) before we got the biggest surprise of our lives. And while I feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to parent my little surprise, his existence doesn’t blot out the other little heart I heard beating three years ago.

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