Two Words That Just Don’t Go Together…

Kyla loves leaving kisses for her little sister

Kyla loves leaving kisses for her little sister

Recently I was eating lunch at home when my mom called to ask a quick question…

“What are the regulations for putting flowers on the baby’s grave?”

I almost choked on my salad. In my family, the newest baby (since we have quite a few young ones around) tends to be called “the baby.” Here my mom was referring to Esther as the baby, but not in the way we ever thought it would be. I briefly explained what I knew about the cemetery regulations, and we hung up. But I wasn’t very hungry anymore.

Of course I’m glad that my mom wanted to put flowers on Esther’s grave. Of course I know that Esther has a grave stone instead of a crib and a snuggly blanket. But hearing those two words together still sometimes shocks me. Baby and Grave. They don’t go together. They should never have to be spoken in the same sentence, let alone experienced at the same time.

Hearing someone refer to my baby’s grave is the most heart breaking reality I have every known.

The baby should be in my stomach.

The baby should be celebrated at a baby shower.

The baby should be almost full term and ready to meet her family.

The baby should be receiving blankets and outfits in preparation for her arrival.

The baby should be alive, well, and thriving.

But instead,  the babymy baby – has a grave.

Perhaps one of the craziest things I have noticed, is that people in our family now use these words together often, and almost as if it is commonplace. Why? I guess because it has become our reality. What sounds shocking to other people is what we live in everyday.

That doesn’t mean it hurts less. That doesn’t mean we are used to it.  I still have to take a deep breath every time I say the words. And I still feel a stab in my heart every time I hear them spoken by others.

But we have come to realize this isn’t going away. As long as we live, our baby will be in her grave instead of our arms and lives.

Sometimes in the despair, I have to remind myself of what else my baby has that most babies do not.

My baby has joy unspeakable.

My baby has a new, perfect, un-aging body.

My baby walks(or crawls) on streets paved in gold.

My baby is held by the Everlasting Arms of Almighty God.

My baby is safe from any harm, hurt, pain, or sickness.

My baby sees Jesus face to face.

The fact that our baby girl is buried in a grave will hurt for the rest of our earthly lives. I don’t understand why it has to be this way. But I know this pain won’t really last forever. Esther may never have rattles and blankets, diapers and dresses, but what she has is so much better. And one day, I will get to experience with her, the miraculous perfection and everlasting life that she already has. What a wonderful day that will be.

If you, too, have a baby that is in a grave instead of your arms, my heart goes out to you today. It shouldn’t be this way. Nothing on this earth can take the excruciating pain away. But I pray that when the ache seems unbearable, you would be reminded of everything your little one has this very moment in the arms of God.

“…And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Revelation 21:4-5

Comments

  1. Saw this link from BBC MSIL group. …I’m so happy I clicked on the link. Its so healing to read words I didn’t realize I needed to hear. So thanks for doing something so difficult….

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Janine,

      Glad you are finding healing as you read. Thanks for your encouragement…

      -Kalyn

  2. Thanks for sharing this hope and the encouragement today!

    That picture with the post is so touching yet so sad at the same time. I am praying for you today. Are you getting close to your due date?

    God bless you.
    Bethany

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      You are welcome! Thanks for your prayers. Yes, Esther’s due date was July 28. (Posted about it today…)

      -Kalyn

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