The Bitter-Sweet Month of July

kyla newborn

Kyla Grace

It’s here.

July…

The month that represents so much joy and so much sorrow. The month that I was looking forward to, but now have been dreading. The month when I celebrate my first daughter’s birth and mourn my second daughter’s absence.

July 21, 2011 is the day Kyla was born. This is the month that I celebrate her wonderful entry into our family, recognize her life, and remember becoming a mommy. Now we have a wonderful two year old.

July 28, 2013 is the day Esther was due to join our family. This is the month that we were preparing and waiting for, planning to welcome our new baby and initiate Kyla into her role as big sister. Now we are left with broken hearts and lost dreams.

ESTHER-150x150

Esther Kate’s
Little Hand

What a mix of conflicting emotions I face this month. My mommy heart is struggling to make sense of everything. How is it, that the same week I remember the birth of my fist baby, I mourn the death of my second?

I want so much to rejoice and be happy for my sweet Kyla. Yet my heart aches for her baby sister.

July 30, 2011 & July 28, 2013

Two due dates for two precious girls. Girls that were to be sisters, pals, and best friends. Girls that were to play hand in hand, and grow up together. Girls that were to celebrate birthdays within days of each other for many, many years to come. Girls that belong together. And girls that belong to me.

But for the rest of my life, I will only have one birthday cake that July week. One set of candles. One party. And most of all, I will only have one girl here with me. Only one daughter to hold. Only one smiling face. And only one growing child to take pictures of.

July will forever be the month that represents both my greatest joy and my deepest sorrow. It will signify both the beginning of one dream (motherhood) and the death of another dream (raising Esther).

I will be honest.  Right now, the sorrow is outweighing the joy. I feel the burden of grief heavier again as I near Esther’s due date. I wonder again how I am here in this place. At 12:15am this morning, I suddenly realized it was July and felt something in my heart die all over again. As the tears flowed, I struggled to find a place of peace in my heart. Sometimes this grief makes me feel like I am floating in a black space. It’s hard to get my bearings, impossible to think clearly, and difficult to look back to the past or forward to the future. It feels out of control and disorienting.

But even now, I am trusting that God is going to carry me through, one day at a time. And when my heart is feeling torn by the joy and the sorrow, I will bring it to Him afresh. For He alone is my strength and my portion.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

 

Comments

  1. Kalyn, will be praying for you this month. Thanks for sharing your life on your blog. I can’t comprehend what you’ve went through, but I know this would be a blessing to others who’ve experience similar losses.

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Trina,

      Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. I really appreciate your support…

  2. Adam Waller says:

    Yes

  3. Praying for you this month. I can say I do get it what you are taking about. Our first baby was due August 6, 2003. When the first of August hit I was just so sad and kept thinking of all the things I should have been doing and preparing and not going back to the school classroom to teach. The next year I had our son on August 12. I always thought it was special that their due dates were so close. Even now on August 1 I have learned to prepare myself because some years even though it’s been 10 years now are harder. I think this year will be hard because our first baby would be turning 10.

    I will continue to lift you up in prayer for God to comfort you on these hard hard days.

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