The First Esther’s Hope Care Package

photoThis week I have been putting together the Esther’s Hope care package we are making for another family who has experienced loss. I have to admit something. When I started out on this project, I felt good about it. I wanted to do something in memory of Esther. I wanted to give to someone else. I thought it would feel good. I have thought and thought about it. I have planned and planned the simple tasks involved. But now that it is time to do it, I feel frozen, like I can’t do anything.

I wanted to buy a stuffed animal for the care pack.  It took two trips to Macy’s before I decided on a soft little lamb. When I finally went up to pay, the cashier mentioned how it was just the cutest and she had bought one recently for her granddaughter. I forced a smile, wondering what her reaction would be if I tried to explain that this would be a gift to a bereaved family, in memory of my little girl who had died recently.

I seem to have an inner battle with every single item I purchase. My thoughts are everywhere and I find myself very indecisive.

“It needs to be perfect, because it represents Esther.”

“No, it doesn’t matter because it’s not even for her: nothing will bring her back.”

One minute I care so much about the details, the next minute I couldn’t care less.

photo-1The other day I went to Hobby Lobby simply to purchase a basket. 45 minutes later, after picking up almost every basket in the store, I left empty handed. All the while I felt the deepest, most painful emptiness in what I was doing. My baby girl was gone and I was buying a basket? It was simply too much emotionally.

This week, I have been mad at the whole situation. I went back to Hobby Lobby yesterday to try again on a basket. Right as I got out of my car, I saw a lady nearby gently picking up her little baby girl, softly cradling her in her arms. I felt an anger rise up inside me. I longed so much to be able to do the same with my girl. It felt so unfair that I was going to buy a gift “in memory” of my daughter instead of holding my baby.

So I guess my confession is this: right now, it doesn’t feel like I hoped it would. Trying to give to someone else in the midst of my grief is challenging me greatly. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much I do for someone else, the hole in my heart from Esther’s death will never be filled.

And in reality, this is true. Yet I am determined to complete this task of giving to another family for two reasons:

1. I believe when you will give to someone else, God will give to you.

I desperately need comfort. I desperately need hope. I pray that as I give this small gesture of comfort to someone else, that I would also find myself being comforted in a greater way.

2. I refuse to let Esther’s life and death be the end of her impact on this world.

I want to carry her legacy of hope in Jesus. I want to be her mouthpiece to share God’s love and truth. I want her life to make a difference in someone else’s.

So for these reasons, I press on. Through my broken emotions, past my thoughts of jealousy, and in spite of my struggle to make the smallest decisions.

Sometimes in this walk, we have to lead our hearts, instead of just following our emotions. So many times on this journey, Adam and I have had to go ahead and do what is best, even when it doesn’t feel like the easiest thing. Each time we have taken just a small step of faith, God has met us and carried us the rest of the way. I am trusting that He will do that again for us.

Maybe you are facing a challenge, too. Something that seems too hard, or even pointless, in light of a bigger pain. Maybe hiding out is simply the easiest option. I invite you today to take a step toward healing. Take a step toward hope, even if it is small. Then ask God to meet you where you are. I know He will be faithful to do just that.

Comments

  1. Adam Waller says:

    I love you.

  2. You are doing such a great job of honoring Esther and making sure her life is impacting the world. I think back to when I lost my Lucy and I would have absolutely LOVED to have received a care package like you are making. It would have encouraged me so much. By the way, I ALWAYS cry when I go in Hobby Lobby.

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Thanks Bethany…We are praying that whoever receives the care package will truly be touched. Okay, it is good to know I am not the only one who ends up very emotional every time I go to Hobby Lobby…

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