She is Still a Big Sister…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATonight as I got Kyla ready for bed, she pulled this shirt out from her PJ bin. It must have ended up on top after she spent the day playing with her clothes. In case you can’t read it, it says, “Big Sisters Rock.”

I remember searching everywhere for a “Big Sister” shirt last December. I wanted so much to let Kyla announce our pregnancy with her shirt. I also remember in January, carefully selecting a short sleeve “Big Sister” shirt for Kyla to wear to the hospital to meet her new sibling. Those shirts were designed to be worn and represent our joyful celebration of new life. Now they are tucked away as painful reminders of the little sister that is no longer with us.

Today is the day before Esther’s due date, and I find myself grieving not only for myself, but for my oldest daughter as well. She doesn’t understand what happened and doesn’t know what she is missing. But I do. Often when I look at little Kyla, I can see little Esther right beside her…riding in the wagon, giggling as daddy plays tickle bug, or softly cradling a baby doll. Kyla was ready to be a big sister. For anyone that doesn’t  know her personally, she loves babies. I mean, she simply adores them. Any time we see a baby when we are out, she starts oohing and aahhing. When she sees an infant car seat, she immediately knows a baby is near and squeals with delight. Each time, I feel the stab of grief not only for myself, but for my little girl. For the relationship, the joy, and the love that she is missing out on. Kyla plays tirelessly with her many baby dolls, nurturing, rocking, and caring for them. I find myself frequently entertained by her mommy instincts. But often times, I have to fight back the tears as I watch her play. I wish she was begging to hold her little sister instead of 10 dolls at one time. I wish she was planting all those kisses on a soft baby head, instead of a hard plastic toy. I wish I heard her painfully loud, “SSSSSHHHHHHH” when we were trying to put Esther to bed, instead of her pretend dolls. I wish she had her real baby here to grow up with.

As I look at Kyla tonight, I realize that in many ways, nothing has changed. She is still Esther’s big sister. Esther is still her little sister. We love her and she will always have her place in our family.

Yet at the same time, everything has changed. Kyla will never hold her little sister here on earth. She will never have her here play with, learn with, or laugh with. We will miss her presence with us every day.

One day, I will tell Kyla about her sister in heaven and she will try to understand. But one even better day, she will meet her little sister, and we will all live forever in a world where pain and separation are felt no more.

Today, more than ever, I am thankful for the cross of Jesus. For without the price Jesus paid, there would be no eternal life, no hope, and no joyful reunion in our future. Because of Him, we don’t grieve as those who have no hope, but rather, as those who have an eternal hope.

 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 – 18


  1. Adam Waller says:

    I love you
    Very nice post honey.

  2. Amanda Wingerter says:

    Beautiful. Praying for extra strength for you today. <3

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