Esther’s Due Date

footprintsJuly 28, 2013.

Today is Esther’s due date.

For months I have wondered how this day would feel. The day that will be forever remembered as when my second little baby was to join our family.

In so many ways, it feels just like one more day without my baby girl. Yet it is different.

Today is really a turning point in my grief, since I will no longer be thinking about how my pregnancy would be going, but how my newborn would be growing and developing. At night, instead of thinking about how I would be sleeping with pillows surrounding my large belly, I will be thinking about how my tiny baby should be snuggled right beside me. Instead of wishing I was nauseas and exhausted from hormones, I will be wishing I was exhausted from being up in the night with hungry newborn cries.

Often I imagine what it would be like to have her here. Sometimes I can literally smell that just born baby smell, and feel Esther’s soft skin against mine. For a brief moment, I can feel the joy that truly living in that moment would bring. For a fleeting moment, I can imagine life without loss and joy without this heavy burden.

Yet just as quickly, I am brought back to reality. The harsh, cold, reality that she is not here and she is never coming back. The grief washes afresh over me and I wonder how I can live the rest of my days with this pain.

So many tears have been cried, in some ways, I feel dried up. Like there are simply none left to cry. But I know that tears will fall afresh today. Tears for my newborn who never got to come home with me. Tears for all the nights she will never be rocked to sleep. Tears for the smiles, coos, and giggles that will never be heard. Tears for the hugs and kisses that will never be felt. Tears for the snuggles that will never be enjoyed. Tears for the years that will never be spent together. Tears for the lifetime of separation we will endure.

As we go to the hospital to deliver our Esther’s Hope care package, these tears will fall. As we visit our baby’s grave this afternoon, these tears will fall all over again. Yet I will stand up, get back in my car, and go home. Remembering the part of me that left with Esther, I will keep living. Living for my baby girl and living for our Jesus, who holds us both now.

Esther Kate, thank you for being my little girl. I miss you more than ever. You are remembered, sweet baby. Your impact on Daddy, Kyla, and me will last forever. You have touched our lives so deeply, and we will never be the same because of you. Today your legacy will live on as we share the hope of Jesus with another family. Hold tight to Jesus, baby, He is wonderful. I’m sure you know that even more than I do! We can’t wait to see you again one day. We will hold you, kiss you, love you, and be with you forever. Love, Mommy

Comments

  1. Thinking and praying for all of you today. Thank you for sharing your story and struggles so that others won’t feel alone. I’m thankful for the difference Esther has made already!

  2. Adam Waller says:

    This is beautiful babe.
    Love you and thank you Jesus!

  3. I am praying for you today and love you very much…

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Thank you Nathan…we love you too. Your love and support has meant a lot to us…

  4. Thank you for sharing your heart… It is worth it…

  5. This is just so beautiful. I love the image of Jesus holding both you and Esther. He will continue to hold you up. He is going to get you through this dark night of the soul and bring the joy that comes in the morning. Praying for you

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