Braving the Labor and Delivery Floor

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt was a beautiful afternoon as Adam and I made our way to the hospital last Sunday.

After putting the “finishing touches” on our Esther’s Hope basket (for 2 hours!), it was finally ready to be dropped off. The question was more if WE were ready to go back…to the place we said goodbye to our daughter.

But just as I have found every day so far on this journey, God’s grace was there once again to complete the task before us…  It was there for us to load up in the car and make that familiar drive. It was there for Adam and I to walk in to the hospital again, past the registration desk where we had numbly checked in that February day, down the hallway that had been littered with valentines bouquets and balloons, and into the elevator where I had struggled just to breathe. It was there as we buzzed in to the locked doors of the mother baby floor, and walked past the nursery where our girl never went. It was there as we approached the desk and saw from a distance the hospital room where our hearts were torn apart.

Overall, it felt very strange to be back. Almost surreal.

It was a slow day at the hospital with few people roaming the halls.  I was grateful for the quiet. As the memories and flashbacks came, I let myself relive that day. That heart wrenching, yet precious day when my baby girl was born into her heavenly dwelling. The brokenness and sorrow were still there, but not in the shocking, unbelievable way as last time. This time it was a quiet ache, a silent emptiness, and a familiar hurt. I realized just how much we have adjusted to this pain in the last five months. It hasn’t gone away, yet we have begun to learn how to live with it.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The card we made

When we approached the nurses station, Adam got the attention of one woman sitting at the desk. I opened my mouth to speak, but didn’t get 5 words out without bursting into tears. The sweet lady immediately came to our side and was so kind. I continued to talk as I cried, explaining how we wanted to leave this gift in memory of our baby who had been due that day. All the nurses we spoke with were very thankful and supportive. They seemed genuinely touched by our gesture and said what we were doing was simply “beautiful.” I was very grateful, once again, for the support that God knew I needed in that moment – even if it was from strangers.

As we walked away, I replayed our conversations in my head over and over. I thought about how I wanted to say more about my baby. My girl. My second born. I felt the frustration that I couldn’t talk about her the way I wanted to.  But as sweat from dripped profusely down my arms, I also felt a small bit of relief.  I had anticipated this day for so long. I had wanted to be strong and complete this project, and I did it. I did it for my girl. Even though she wasn’t there, and those nurses didn’t see her sweet face or hear her soft cry, her memory is there. Her impact is there. And that made me feel good.

As we made our way back out of the hospital, I sensed Jesus walking with us. His strength and His presence were there. I was reminded again that through it all, He has never left us. And you know what? He never will…

Comments

  1. Adam Waller says:

    What a beautiful day it was.
    So glad I was able to experience it with you.
    I love you.

  2. Sharon Walsh says:

    Dear Kalyn,

    I don’t know if you remember me, but I have read your blog and I am sorry for your loss.

    much love,

    Sharon

Speak Your Mind

*