6 Months ago Today & The Love Hate Relationship With Time

clock6 months ago today, I practically skipped into my routine OB appointment. I was so relieved to be at 16 weeks 2 days, and expected another good report on my growing baby.

6 months ago today I received the most shocking, horrifying news of my life. I was the last person to leave the doctor’s office after what seemed like a normal appointment turned into the most horrible nightmare I could imagine. An exam room with no heartbeat detected on the doppler, then an ultrasound room where it was confirmed – our baby was gone.

6 months ago today, I was introduced to a level of pain and grief that I never knew existed. Dreams were gone in a moment. Hopes and plans were lost.

6 months ago today, I lost the innocence and joy of pregnancy. Suddenly, a pregnancy didn’t necessarily mean a baby to bring home. In a moment, the blissful excitement was gone.

6 months ago today, I began this journey…

I can hardly believe that half of a year has already passed. In so many ways, it feels like it was just yesterday. This week I have been looking back, wondering what I have been doing the last 6 months? Where have the days gone? I have grieved, I have cried, I have broken and then broken again. I have read, I have prayed, I have talked, and I have cried some more. I have written…and written…and written. Yet I have also laughed, smiled, and tried to keep living.

Early on in this journey I felt myself develop a love-hate relationship with time.

I wanted time to pass so that I could find some healing, some hope, some shelter from the raw emotions. Yet I desperately did not want time to pass, for time took me further from when she was here, alive, and with us.

I find myself battling in this love-hate relationship almost daily. As I count the weeks and months since Esther went to heaven, I am happy to be one week closer to being with her again, yet saddened to have lived another week without her. The ache of loss is always present.  I feel some sense of accomplishment that we have “made it” for another week, yet wonder how can we live like this the rest of our lives?

Time is such an interesting thing. Some people say it changes things, heals things, or tests things. I guess depending on the situation, these could all be true. But I would also say that time reveals things.

Since Esther went to heaven, many things have been revealed to me, including:

The depth of my love for her

The immense value of one life

The gift Esther’s life was and is to our family

The impact one tiny little girl can make

The fragility of this life

The significance of eternity

The reality & unspeakable joy of heaven

The helplessness of our human state

And the depth of our need for a Savior

As we pass this milestone in our journey, I wonder what it will it be like 6 more months from now? How about 1, 2, 3, 4 years from now? I really can’t imagine it. A lifetime without her is too painful to think about.

But I pray that as time passes, we will continue to receive new revelations about Esther’s significance in our family, her eternal dwelling that will also be ours someday, and the faithfulness of the God who created little Esther in my womb.

More than anything, I wish she could be here teaching us things. But what Esther has given us, what her little life has taught us, is so much bigger than what a baby on earth could ever teach. She is our baby in heaven, who we love with all our hearts. And each day that passes means we are one day closer to being together again…


  1. Amanda Wingerter says:

    Beautiful. <3

  2. I pray that you and Adam continue to find strength and hope~

  3. This is so beautiful and honest. It is hard to believe it has been six months since we both lost our sweet girls.

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