Kyla’s Eye Scare & Living With a Sprung Shock Button

photo(3)It was Saturday, and we were having a normal day filled with house cleaning, playing, and getting ready for night time church. All at once, our calm day was interrupted when Kyla woke up screaming from her nap. I looked at the clock and realized she hadn’t slept as long as normal. Since her cry was unusual, I went ahead into her room and was met by Kyla standing in her crib, screaming, “a eye, a eye” as she held her eye as if in pain. Rushing to her side, I picked her up and began asking her what was wrong with her eye. Her eye looked red and a bit swollen. Concern turned to panic as I noticed her eye seemed to not focus properly when she tried to open it. She had been fine when I laid her down. What could be wrong? I immediately started racking my brain for some kind of severe eye infection with rapid onset. Here is when I let fear and terror take over me. I literally pictured the absolute worst and tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t let something tragic happen to another one of my children! I couldn’t lose my other baby.

In my haste, I woke Adam up (He works night shift and sleeps during the day) and called my mom who was out of town on a speaking trip. I was literally about to grab my things and head to the Emergency Room. My heart was racing and I was in major intervention mode.

Now I have a confession to make…There was nothing wrong with Kyla’s eye. Oh, there was probably an eyelash in it or a mild irritation of some kind, but nothing serious at all.

I overreacted in a ridiculous way because my shock reaction button has been sprung. Not long ago, the worst, the unthinkable, happened to one of my babies.

I am thankful for my more level headed husband who looked at me and Kyla and said everything was fine. I am also thankful for my mom, who though wanted to laugh at me, calmly reassured me that there was probably nothing to worry about.

Within an hour, Kyla’s eye was perfectly fine and we were laughing about the whole thing. But seriously, what happened? I didn’t use to be like this.

This isn’t the first time something similar has happened in the last few months. More than once, I have felt some time of odd pain somewhere in my body, and had to catch my mind from going to the worst like a runaway train. More than once, when Adam got off work late and I couldn’t reach him on the phone, I was about to go out looking for him or call the police assuming something terrible must have happened.

I have found that living after losing a child puts your emergency reaction button in overactive mode. It puts your shock button on tilt. And it causes you to immediately fear the very worst in minor situations. There is nothing like the shock and terror of thinking that everything is going well in a pregnancy, and suddenly, your find out your baby has died. Nothing could ever make a mom feel more shocked and more helpless.

I guess loss forever changes those reactions inside of you. I hope that my buttons will eventually not be on overreact mode, yet I know they will probably never be the same.

For now, I am learning to not take these reactions too seriously. I try to laugh at myself when I am being ridiculous. I also have relied a lot on my sweet husband, who has been very patient and understanding with me. But even more, I am relying on the presence of Jesus, to keep bringing me the peace that I desperately need each day.
These are his words to us…

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” John 14:27

I’d like to hear from you.

Have you overreacted in crazy ways after experiencing a tragedy? How have you learned to be rational again? Who or what has helped you the most during these times?

Comments

  1. Ever since Lili was sick, I have found that the smallest twitches can send me over board. Sometimes when she stares off into space, I immediately think, SEIZURE! But I have learned to take a deep breathe and then look away. When I look back, I realize how crazy I was.

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Tara,
      Thanks for sharing…Yeah, if you just give it a minute, those crazy reactions often calm down. Sorry for all you have been through, too.

  2. I can relate to this … I know that feeling ( at least to a certain extent – not as much as you do)
    I love you

    Nathan

  3. I’m glad Kyla is ok! I have overreacted several times and it seems to come out of nowhere, but it is VERY intense when it happens. For us baby loss Mamas, the worst, most unthinkable thing happened, so why wouldn’t it happen again? For Lucy’s due date we went on vacation and the balcony to our hotel room had these slats in the railing. We were on the sixth floor and I just KNEW one of my boys was going to fall through the slats to his death. I had trouble sleeping because when I started falling asleep I would immediately dream one of the boys was slipping out of my hands and falling through the slats. I never let them go out on the balcony, not once. It was very hard to relax. I also think my husband must have died in a horrible car crash when he’s more than a few minutes late. Interestingly, though, when I feel a funny feeling in my body and I immediately think it’s cancer, I’m almost excited about it because my own death is not frightening anymore.

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Bethany, thanks for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry you have dealt with this too, I guess it just comes with the territory. I definitely understand not being afraid of your own death anymore. I can really relate to that. It is crazy how much walking through loss changes you.

  4. By the way, Kyla looks so much like her Daddy!

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