February – A Bittersweet Month

FebruaryFebruary. I can hardly believe it is here. It almost feels surreal to me.

This short, winter month holds the memories of the most painful days I have experienced. The month where I lost a part of myself for this life. The month that I buried my hopes, dreams, and joy for the future. The month I was separated from my little girl for the rest of this earthly life. The month I learned the pain of losing a child. The month my peaceful world was forever changed by tragedy.

Yet this month is not only about sorrow, because it also holds some of the most precious memories of my whole life. This is the month I learned what real mommy love is – a love that supersedes life or death, a love worth dying for, a love that goes beyond heart-wrenching pain into a deep, miraculous joy, a love that is steadfast, unchanging, and supernatural. This is the month I held my daughter in my arms, and kissed her small forehead. This is the month I saw with my own eyes the miracle of life inside the womb. This is the month I was changed forever.

As February begins, I am constantly aware of the swirling emotions dominating my heart and mind.

A part of me wishes we could just skip this month. Yet another part of me wants to live here forever. Since neither of these is an option, I am choosing to live one day at a time through February. I’m choosing to feel, grieve, and remember the pain of this anniversary. And I’m choosing to smile, celebrate and look forward to the joy that is still coming. I’m choosing to cry when the tears come – because they represent how much I love her. And I’m choosing to laugh when the happiness comes – because it represents how proud I am to be her mom.

What a crazy mix of emotions packed into one human heart. This year has brought a lot of firsts to me. As we approach the first anniversary of Esther’s death, or as I prefer to say, her first birthday in heaven, I pray that God’s grace would once again carry us through this new milestone.

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