A BIG Milestone – 16 Weeks and Baby is Alive!

16 weeksYesterday was our 16 week checkup. Most of you know it was in our 16th week that we lost little Esther.

I will not attempt to convey all I have battled through the last couple days. Let’s just say that when you’ve been through a traumatic experience, your mind can play nasty tricks on you. Monday, I cleaned my way through the anxiety. Literally. I cleaned and washed clothes, then cleaned some more. Then I went to bed at 7:45. I could not seem to get a grip on my thoughts. I felt like maybe we were going to relive all of the horror again. I awoke in the morning, struggling to decipher dream from reality, after wrestling in my sleep with the same fears. As I went into the bathroom to shower, I was convinced that my stomach had shrunk, another bad sign.

Sometimes my head tries to play through the worst case scenario, to guard myself from the possibility of some horrible shock again. I know this doesn’t sound very faith filled. I wish it wasn’t such a struggle. Yet I believe God is seeing us through one day at a time. I am thankful He is patient with me as I am learning to trust Him in a new way.

As we drove to the doctor’s office, I opened my Bible app on my phone and this verse was right there:

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I knew this was for me. I read it over and over and over and did my best to believe God was speaking it to me.

Walking in to the doctor’s office, we went through the motions of a normal appointment, but for me, it was anything but normal. When I stepped into the bathroom to leave a urine sample, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked awful. I mean, I dressed nice and did my hair like normal. But my eyes were swollen from crying the day before, and there was a certain paleness to my face that just looked unnatural. I hoped that nobody read into my flat affect or sunken in eyes. We walked into the exam room and I tried to remind myself nothing was wrong. I felt so exhausted that I laid down on the table to wait! (Really, I was a mess! Ask Adam!)

Soon the Nurse Practitioner I was seeing came in with an observing student. To my delight, she said “Let’s listen for the baby first.” The Doppler went down on my tummy and in an instant, the sound of life came whirring from the device. I could hardly believe it. 156 BPM. Our baby was and is very much alive. Just to prove it, he/she did some kicks that we could hear too!

I’m still adjusting to the shock of everything being okay(Strange, I know). But I am really, really glad that it is.

I love this baby so, so much. I have a renewed since of hope and I am dreaming of the day I hold this little one, breathing, kicking, and screaming in my arms.

This is a huge milestone for us to cross and I am thanking God with all my heart we have made it here.

Psalm 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

Comments

  1. You don’t know me but through a friend of mine (Amy Southerland) , I stumbled upon your blog, and can only say AMEN–my husband and I lost our second son at 23 weeks in nov 2012, and just 4 months ago had a healthy little boy, Samuel. Pregnancy after loss is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, so your worries, irrational (and sometimes rational ) fears , and mind games resonant so strongly with me–I constantly had to force myself to choose joy over fear. And I failed daily. Praying for you and your little one, and I am so sorry about your sweet Esther.

    • Kalyn from Mommy's Heavenly Dream says:

      Anna, thanks for reading. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your own experience and the challenges of walking through another pregnancy. Your encouragement means a lot to me. Congratulations on your little Samuel! I so appreciate your prayers.

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