Mother’s Day…And The Predicament I Find Myself In as a Mom of Loss

photo(11)It happens every year…

The Saturday before Mother’s Day as evening approaches, I feel a weight on my chest, and I have to catch my breath. The reality that one of my children is not here feels like it slaps me in the face. The empty space in my heart is unveiled.

It happened again today. My week has been busy and enjoyable. Yet as I cooked dinner for my family, I felt the emotional waves. Soon hot tears were threatening to spill over my eyelids. All while the overwhelming thought in my head is…”I can wait for tomorrow to be over.” Then I felt bad because I love my mom and want to celebrate her, and I love my children and want to enjoy the day as their mom.

It’s hard to believe this is my third Mother’s Day as a bereaved mom.

2 years ago my heart was breaking as I was less than three months into my journey of grieving my daughter’s death.

1 year ago I was aching for my daughter, yet brimming with joy for the new life growing in my womb.

Today, I am overjoyed to have my firstborn, along with my sweet 8 month old Elijah. This has been one miraculous year in our family, and I am thankful everyday. My son has restored a joy to my life that I never thought I would experience again.

Yet here I sit. Having the now familiar pre-Mother’s Day meltdown.

Why?

Because I’m a mom of loss. Nothing involving babies, children, or mommyhood is simple anymore. It is all complicated by an odd mix of horrific grief, and unspeakable joy. I’m learning that it is all part of the journey. I hurt because she is not here. Yet I rejoice because I have a miracle baby in my arms. There is pain, yet there is beauty. And there is even beauty that came out of the pain. Confusing, I know. But this is real life for loss moms.

As tomorrow approaches, I will ride out the emotional waves. I know there will be laughter, snuggles, and smiles, as well as some tears and sorrow. But through it all, I am just overwhelmingly thankful…Thankful for the privilege of being a mom, and thankful for my 3 beautiful children: Kyla Grace, Esther Kate, and Elijah Amos. I am so very blessed!

To all the other Moms I know…Happy Mother’s Day! What a gift we have been given!

And to my friends who are also bereaved moms…My heart goes out to you. I pray you can enjoy this special day – roller coaster of emotions and all. :-)

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

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