Raw Reflections: The Pain of Baby Things

heart treeThis post is part of a special category called “Raw Reflections: Honest Perspectives From a Grieving Momma’s Heart.”

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The Pain of Baby Things…

I often wonder how the very things that used to bring me the greatest joy now bring me the most sorrow.

Why do I quickly pass by the baby section at Wal-Mart? I guess because it is too painful to know I will never buy little outfits for my second girl and I won’t need the newborn diapers.

Why do I slip away silently when birth stories are told? Because I can’t stop the tears from welling up in my eyes, and try to make it behind a closed door before they spill over. I have my birth story…but my baby didn’t come home with me.

Why do I look away when I see a little baby girl crawling or resting in her mommy’s arms? Because each time it is a reminder of another stage I will never have with my Esther Kate.

Why do I have to catch my breath when I see a pregnant mom? Because I should still be pregnant, enjoying the life growing inside. But instead, I am taking flowers to a grave.

Why do I feel like I can’t move when Kyla squeals with delight at the sight of an infant car seat, wanting to see the baby? Because we had “her” baby. But Kyla never even got to meet her.

I don’t know how I got to this place, I only know it hurts so much.  The innocent, blissful happiness in these wonderful things has forever been replaced by the reality of loss. I find myself avoiding everything that represents new babies. When they are unavoidable, I feel like I go into a state of shock, losing track of where I am and what I am doing. I realize that even when I have another baby someday, the joy and excitement will never be the same again. Because one baby will always be missing from our family.

Thank you for reading this Raw Reflection.

Losing a baby turns many of the anticipated joys of motherhood into deeply painful reminders. Whether it be a baby department, birth story, new baby, or pregnant belly, what once brought intense happiness now brings overwhelming grief. The feelings of being part of the expecting mommy club have quickly vanished, and instead, loneliness takes over.

Do you know a mom who has recently experienced loss? If so, will you take the time to let her know you are thinking about her? Just knowing someone cares can bring a little more strength for the journey.