The Teeter-Totter Between Weepy and Numb: A Raw Reflection

heart treeI have started almost half a dozen blog posts this week about this or that on grief…but none of them have seemed to get finished. So I have decided to just write a real post. Here is a Raw Reflection…

This week has been hard.

Knowing that little Esther would likely have been born right around now has just had me on an emotional teeter-totter the last few days. I remember calculating from the very start of our pregnancy, that if Esther was born at the same gestation as Kyla, she would be arriving on July 19.

I feel we have been doing well on this journey of grief and healing. Yet this week has just hit really hard.

I have found my thinker working full force…trying to bring back some of the questions I have already laid to rest.

I have found myself almost going back to a state of denial, asking “Did this really happen to me?”

I have found myself trying in some sense to still bargain with reality, as if I could change something.

I have found myself seeming hardened to pregnancy, newborns, and baby things. I don’t want to be hard. And yet, perhaps some hardening has to come in order to survive such a tragic loss.

I have also found that I am very disoriented. Here we are in July, but there is no baby. I can’t remember what month we are in when I go to write the date. Except for the heat outside, sometimes I can’t even remember the season. My head feels like it is spinning and I can’t find my bearings.

teeter-totterSome days, I am numb. I can’t feel or connect to anything.

Some days, I just cry…and cry…and cry. I have noticed more than one person doing a double take on my face this week, since my eyes have been in a pretty constant state of “puffy.”

I guess all of this is a part of the daunting journey through baby loss. This is not where I wanted to be this week. This is not where I planned to be this week. But now here I am. Teeter-tottering between the numbness and the pain. The hardening after the loss and the brokenness loss brings.

And I have to confess…I’m not doing it very gracefully. Maybe that’s why the image of a teeter totter came to my mind today. Teeter totters seem to bang back and forth rather harshly, especially if one side is heavier than the other. I have noticed myself banging a lot this week. Getting angry about the stupidest things or bursting into tears over nothing. My emotions are just raw.  Right now, I am along for the ride.

I recognize that I have to keep walking, trusting that in time, healing will come.

This week is simply too much for my heart. I am so thankful that God is bigger than my heart…

Psalm 73: My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.